Bakura's first bath!
by Psycho BakuRyou
Summary: It's Bakura first bath! After many many years of not bathing...it seems as though he would actually wanna take one. Of course with Ryou's help...will he enjoy his first bath or send another 5,000 years dirty?


Bakura's first bath!

3 hours after the trip to the psychologist had passed. The thought of ever going had left their minds. Bakura was way to focused on getting in the bathtub and hoping it wouldn't harm him.

"You sure I'll be ok?" Bakura asked looking at the bubbly water.

"Yes. You'll be ok it's just water." Ryou said.

Bakura stuck his toe in the water and jumped into Ryou's arms. "It's creepy. It's…wet. It's…eeewy." Bakura said.

"You have to take a bath sometime Bakura." Ryou said.

"Can you get in with me? Like in the pool when people get in and swim around." Bakura asked.

"No." Ryou said.

"But I'm scared." Bakura said.

"Ok look I have an idea. Get me your swimming trunks." Ryou said.

Bakura grabbed his swimming trunks and handed them to Ryou.

Ryou closed his eyes and pulled off Bakura's shirt. "Now put these on." Ryou said.

Bakura put on his trunks and took Ryou's hands off his eyes. "Now what?" He asked.

Ryou heaved Bakura up and felt a hernia. _And this didn't kill me because…?_ He tossed Bakura in the bath and watched him splash around.

"Help! Help I'm drowning!" Bakura screamed.

Ryou had this thought of dunking Bakura's head in the tub. He smiled evilly and patted Bakura's head. _No Ryou. Bakura's your friend. He's annoying, but don't be tempted to kill. You'll…be in hell with him if you do._ Ryou bit his lip and sat on the toilet watching Bakura still screaming he was drowning.

"Ryou the waters eating me!" Bakura screamed coughing bubbles.

"Ok Bakura. You're not drowning Bakura. It's shallow water you'll be fine." Ryou said.

Bakura sat in there soaking. "Now what do I do?" He asked.

"You bathe." Ryou said.

Bakura grabbed some bubbles and put them on his face. "Ho. Ho. Ho." He said.

Ryou sighed. "This is gonna be a while." He groaned.

"Look I'm Bakura." Bakura said putting bubbles on his head.

"You're already Bakura genius." Ryou said.

"Oh that's right. Then I'm Ryou." Bakura said ducking his head in the water and getting rid of his spikes. "Hi there…whoa you're so cute. Let's get it on." Bakura said imitating Ryou.

"I do not sound like that." Ryou said,

"Oh whoops. Oh here let me get that for you. Shit, I broke a nail. Marik I need CPR no one else will kiss me like you do. Oh yes. Oh yes. I'm…naked." Bakura said.

"I don't sound like that either!" Ryou screamed.

"Ryou needs to see the anger management teacher." Bakura said wagging a finger at him.

"And you need to see a funeral home and kill yourself in a coffin so I can be rid of you forever!" Ryou screamed.

"You don't mean that." Bakura said splashing in the water and making a water mess. "La la la la laa." He sang innocently.

"Ahhhh! Ahhhh! It's got me! It's got my leg!" Bakura screamed lifting his leg from the water.

Ryou saw his hair that had been stuck in the drain on Bakura's leg. "Oops. Sorry about that. I shed." Ryou said picking his hair off.

"And…you're not bald?" Bakura asked pulling Ryou's hair to see if it was a wig.

"Ow! Stop it!" Ryou screamed slapping Bakura's hand.

Bakura sniffed and rubbed his hand. "WAAAA! RYOU SLAPPED ME!" He cried.

"I'm sorry." Ryou apologized.

"Now kiss it." Bakura said showing him his wrist.

Ryou kissed Bakura's wrist and sighed. "You're such a little kid." He said.

"I know!" Bakura said happily.

"I'll be right back I need to get something to drink." Ryou said leaving Bakura…unattended.

Bakura started shooting water from his mouth like a fountain. He heard conversation outside. He started hearing Marik's retarded laugh.

"Oh no!" He screamed. He dunked his head underwater.

"Bakura! Awww he's drowning." Marik said.

"Bakura!" Ryou screamed lifting his head.

Bakura stuck his tongue out and let out a death rattle.

"Bakura oh my god he's dead!" Ryou cried.

Marik tossed Bakura on the bed.

"I'm sorry Bakura. I'm sorry I made you eat casserole! I'm sorry I made you get an injection! I'm sorry I stole the millennium ring and gave it to Yugi! Ryou cried.

"Bakura…I'm sorry…I'm touching you." Marik said passing his hand all over Bakura's face.

Bakura woke up and saw all the little germs on his nose. "AHHHHHHH! AHHHH! GET THEM OFF GET THEM OFF!" He screamed wiping his face on the bed. He grabbed his Anti-sep Lysol water and sprayed his face.

"AHHHH! MY eyes! My eyes!" He screamed crying and wiping his face on Marik's shirt.

"Ahhhh! The germs! I…I can't fight them! It…it looks like the end for me!" He coughed and pretended to die again.

"Victory is ours!" The Marik germs cheered.

"Bakura! That wasn't funny!" Ryou screamed wiping his tears on his sleeve.

"Marik was here…and he might've contaminated my air. I could've died." Bakura said.

"You always say that! You scared me half to death you fucking retard! I'm so mad at you! You take him a bath!" Ryou pointed at Marik and walking away sniffing.

"Nooooo! Ryou! No I command you to get your ass in here! …Please!" Bakura begged.

"Kiss my fucking ass!" Ryou screamed slamming the door.

"Looks like it's just you and me buddy." Marik said putting an arm around him.

Bakura grabbed his Anti-Sep Lysol water and sprayed himself all over. He rushed back to his bath and hid in the bubbles.

"Come out come out where ever you are." Marik sang walking in the bathroom.

Bakura sneezed and exposed himself. "Dammit!" He screamed.

"There you are." Marik said sitting on the toilet.

Bakura sighed. "I wanted Ryou to take me a bath not you! You're…stupid and gay looking! Ew! I'm looking at you!" Bakura screamed closing his eyes.

"Yea, but you pissed Ryou off. You pissed Ryou off. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Haaaa." Marik said in sing song.

"Well only because I heard your voice! Why do you have to be so damn ugly! Why do you have to be so…He saw a germ flying in front of his face and went frantic. "Oh my god! Kill it kill it!" Bakura screamed spraying the whole bathroom.

Marik grabbed the soap and went to scrub Bakura's arm.

"Contaminated soap! Contaminated soap! Evacuate the bathtub! I repeat evacuate the bathtub!" Bakura screamed jumping out of the bath and locking Marik in the bathroom.

"My germs…ATTACK BAKURA!" Marik screamed from the bathroom.

The germs came out in billions of hordes and fly out from under the door.

Bakura started screaming and ran outside to the open where the air was still fresh. "My bubble! I left my bubble inside the house!" He screamed. Bakura ran through the horde of Marik germs and jumped in his bubble.

"Damn! He's in that fucking cursed bubble. We'll be back." The Marik germs said flying away glaring at Bakura.

"Nani nani boo boo." Bakura said shaking his ass. He rolled out the door in search for Ryou.

"Damn…I'm itchy. Does water make you this itchy? Fuck if it does this will be the last fucking time I bathe." Bakura said scratching all over and rolling to the park.

Ryou saw Bakura's massive bubble body protector. "Dammit…how'd he find me?" He asked himself.

"Ryou! Please take me a bath!" Bakura screamed from inside the bubble.

Ryou heard nothing.

"Ryou I'm sorry! It was Marik's fault! He's the ugly one!" Bakura screamed.

Ryou still heard nothing.

Bakura breathed on the bubble and tried to spell I'm sorry.

"Am…poop?" Ryou said.

"Sorry! Sorry!" Bakura screamed.

"You're poopy? Don't tell me you took a shit in your pants again." Ryou said.

Bakura shook his head quickly. He abruptly stopped and checked his shorts…just in case. Then he said no.

Bakura breathed again on the bubble and tried spelling I'm sorry again.

"You're…sorry?" Ryou said.

Bakura shook his head.

Ryou stuck his bottom lip out and sniffed. "Ok. I forgive you Yami." He said hugging the bubble and popping it accidentally.

The Marik germs flew quickly over to the park.

"Ahhhh! Exposure! Exposure!" Bakura screamed spraying the air.

"We got him now guys! Hit 'em with all you got. We die with honor! Yaaaaaa!" The germs screamed.

"N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!" They all screamed in slow motion when they were sprayed with Bakura's concoction.

Bakura panted and sighed. "Good. They're gone…for now." He said.

Ryou stared at Bakura.

"Ryou! I'm fucking itchy! This bath…nah-uh never again! Water makes me itchy! I think I'm allergic or something." Bakura said scratching.

Ryou grabbed Bakura and dumped him in the park fountain. "Bath time!" He said grabbing shampoo and scrubbing Bakura's head.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Baths…are…painful!" Bakura screamed crying.

"Here scrub yourself." Ryou said passing him soap.

Bakura grabbed a hold of the soap and it slipped in his hands a good 30 times.

Ryou stared pathetically at Bakura who was fighting with the soap.

"Now you stay…stay! Stay!" Bakura yelled at the soap.

"It's not a dog Bakura." Ryou said.

"No shhh it's listening. Stay…stay…Awww! Aww it pissed on me!" Bakura screamed when the soap slipped and left a water trail on his hand.

Ryou grabbed Bakura and lifted him up. He grabbed the soap and started scrubbing his Yami.

"Oh those poor people." A lady said. She saw Ryou's hat on the floor and tossed some money in there. "I'm sorry you have to bathe your brother in the park. God bless you." She said walking away.

"Ugh! You see this. Now they think I'm poor." Ryou said lifting Bakura's arm and scrubbing him.

Bakura started giggling and put down his arm.

"You're unbelievable Bakura. What will you do next?" Ryou asked scrubbing his legs.

"Well, I could…eat JELL-O!" Bakura said pulling out some jell-o and licking it like before.

"Ew not again." Ryou said.

Bakura started licking his jell-o and stopped abruptly. "Whoa Nelly…I've always wanted to say that. Don't you scrub there dude. That's my fruit!" Bakura said grabbing the soap from Ryou's hand and smacking his face with it. "Ow! My eye! My eye1 It's burning and Marik's not around! This soap…it…it…must be Marik." Bakura said looking at it. He closed his eyes and threw it down in the water.

Ryou wiped Bakura's eye and got the soap out. "You're so stupid. What happened to you? You didn't secretly get hit by a car and lose your brain did you?" Ryou asked.

"It was…the hooked on phonics. Ever since I took them out of my box…and that little thing…with the thingy thingy and the letter with the stick came out…I've never been the same." Bakura said.

"We never had hooked on phonics." Ryou said.

"Then I was Marik." Bakura said.

Ryou left Bakura to soak in the "fountain" while he read that same health magazine he was reading in Marik's car.

"Night of fire1 You'd better better see you'd better better begin the prayer to play. Yea you give it to me baby! Oh…yea like that. Ohhh yes! Give it to me baby! To the window to the wall to the sweat dropped down my big—

"Yami Bakura! What did I say about using that word!" Ryou screamed

"Fine. Penis." Bakura grumbled.

"Good boy." Ryou said.

Bakura looked at his hands and gasped loudly.

"Ryou! I'm turning into a monster!" Bakura screamed running to him.

"Look! Look at my hands! They're monstery!" He screamed.

Ryou saw Bakura's prun-y hands. "They're prune Bakura. You've been sitting out in the water too long." Ryou said.

"Ooh. I knew that see I as just testing you." Bakura said.

"Yea………" Ryou said.

Bakura looked at his arm and sniffed it. He looked at his hair and sniffed it. He got tangled in it and started screaming. "I can't see I'm blind, where's Marik he's the source!" Bakura screamed.

Ryou took Bakura's hair out of his face and slapped him. "Stop eating shit." Ryou said.

Bakura took the shit out of his mouth and sighed sadly. "It was good I'm sorry." He said tossing it.

Ryou looked up from reading and saw his Yami making faces. "What the hell are you doing?" Ryou asked.

"I'm feeling all…channel 84ish now." Bakura said.

Ryou gasped and dramatic music came out of nowhere. "No! Not here Bakura! Not in…public." Ryou said and the dramatic music popped out again.

"But…I…I…uhhhhh." Bakura groaned.

Ryou walked slowing away from Bakura and every step he took a piano key would play. "Stop dammit! You're giving me away!" Ryou yelled at the pianist.

"No respect. No respect." The pianist said pushing the piano again.

Bakura walked home calmed down from his channel 84 mode after molesting everything in the park and put on some fresh pjs.

"Oh shit…I have to shit." Bakura said. "Damn…I realized…I shit a lot." He said.

He put his hand on the knob and breathed. "It's just a toilet…it's not gonna suck you up like last time. It's a friendly toilet. Enough with the paranoia. You're an Oscar Mayer Wiener! Remember that! Oscar Mayer Wieners never quit!" Bakura screamed.

"Who are you talking to?" Ryou asked.

"Oh. I'm giving myself support to use the potty because I have to do the poopies and I don't want to sink in the toilet like last time where I was all scared." Bakura said.

" Damn you have to poop again? I should get that checked. You'll be fine." Ryou said patting him.

Bakura opened the bathroom door and sat on the toilet. "See…this isn't so bad. I conquered my fears. I am an Oscar Mayer Wiener!" Bakura said happily. He took his shit and stayed sitting on the toilet. "Who's the best now! Huh potty! I am! I beat you at your own game. Who's your daddy? Who is your fucking daddy?" Bakura said.

Marik opened the shower curtain and stared at Bakura.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! It's Marik! My eyes!" Bakura screamed. He sank in the toilet and couldn't get out. "Ryou! The butter! Get the butter I'm stuck again!" Bakura cried.

Marik rubbed his body all over Bakura and laughed.

"Our boss is such a genius! Let's attack while he's vulnerable and doesn't have that damn Anti- Sep whatever it's fucking called." The Marik germs said.

"Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Germs!" Bakura said blowing them off.

"It's a twister it's a twister." They screamed.

"Mmm I could go for a twister now." A germ said.

"Yea or a grilled stuff burrito. Mmm yea." Another germ said.

"Oh or a Mcgriddles." Another germ said.

"Dude…McDonalds sucks ass go taco bell." The germs cheered.

Ryou rushed in the bathroom with the butter and saw his Yami helplessly stuck in the toilet.

"I think I'll never be able to get out now Ryou. My ass is pretty deep in there." Bakura said sniffing sadly.

Ryou put the butter around the toilet and slipped him out.

"You're the greatest Ryou!" Bakura said rubbing Marik's germs on him.

"Yea thanks put some pants on." Ryou said passing him some pants.

Bakura turned the water back on in the bathtub and went for another dip. "I like baths now. Baths are fun. Can you bathe me all the time Ryou?" Bakura asked splashing in the water.

"No." Ryou said.

"Hey guys! I was watching that metal box with moving pictures—

"The TV." Ryou said.

"Whoa they call it that? Oh well whatever! I was watching the hippie channel and I know how to make out friendship stranger." Marik said.

"You sure you just weren't listening to that fucking lesbian Tea? Ra what the fuck does Yugi see in her? She's a bitch with…little round thingies on her chest. How come I don't have those? They seem neat." Bakura said rubbing his chest.

"Because you're not a girl." Ryou said.

"But Marik is and I don't see round thingies on his chest." Bakura said pointing at Marik.

"Well…then I don't know he never developed." Ryou said.

Marik cried. "It's true!" He sniffed. He stopped crying and went back to his serious face. "Ok they said to sit in a circle and start talking about your feelings towards people." He said.

"Bakura…what do you think of Ryou?" Marik asked.

Bakura looked at Ryou. "He needs some serious anger management classes, and some eyelash reducers, but overall…he's a nice guy and I like him. He bathes me. I hate him for feeding me CASSEROLE!" Bakura emphasized casserole.

"Hey it's good for your—

"Colon yes! Fuck who cares about a colon? I don't even know what the fuck it is." Bakura said styling his hair.

"Ryou…what do you think of Bakura?" Marik aksed.

Ryou stared at Bakura. "He's a retard with serious issues and Marik germ protection, but he's my retard." Ryou said.

The same guy at the psychologist with the signs came in the bathroom and held a sign that said "Awwwww". No one awed and glared at the guy.

"I still get paid." He said walking out.

"Now Bakura…what do you think of me?" Marik asked.

Bakura closed his eyes and didn't look at Marik. "I hate your fucking ass! I hate everything about you. I have dreams about you drying all the time. I want you out of my life. You're very infectious and ugly and you blind me." Bakura said.

"That means so much to me. I love you too Bakura." Marik said going to hug him.

Bakura crossed his fingers. "Back! Back I say!" He said slapping the air.

The drain got unplugged. Bakura started screaming and twirling around in the bath. "Help! Help! Somebody—Marik stuck his hand out to save Bakura. "No. No I'll die." Bakura said. He got his hair stuck in the drain and cried. "I'm bald! Oh the inhumanity! Help me!" He screamed trying to pull his hair out of the drain.

Ryou stepped inside the shower and pulled Bakura's hair out of the drain.

"Ow! My head! I think it's broken!" Bakura cried.

"Anymore than what it already is?" Ryou asked from under Bakura.

Bakura got off of Ryou and sprayed him with Anti-Sep Lysol water.

Ryou started choking on the gases and his spit.

"God damn there's never a fucking time where you don't choke is there?" Bakura asked Ryou.

Marik did his routine of the…fanfare and then the CPR and said he rescued Ryou.

"I should be a doctor or something." Marik said.

"Everyone will be dead." Bakura said.

There was a knock at the door followed by lightening and thundering.

"Hi." Yami Marik aid when Bakura opened the door.

"It's the not scary dude." Bakura said.

Yami Marik bit his lip and was about to cry when he calmed himself.

The lights went out.

"Ooh time to get freakay." Marik said.

"No! No!" Bakura screamed. "I…Marik could be anywhere! I could be…touched!" Bakura screamed at the thought.

"Ryou come here I need you." Bakura said.

"Aww…he needs Ryou." Marik said.

Bakura grabbed Ryou's hand and felt his hair just in case. "Ok…whew…it's you Ryou." He said.

"Let's tell ghost stories." Marik said.

Marik grabbed his Yami's head and put it under his head so the light on his forehead could flash on his face.

"This is exactly why they needed me at camp!" Yami Marik screamed.

"Shut it Yami." Marik said slapping him.

"Yami abuser." Yami Marik grumbled.

Bakura went back to the bathroom to take yet another bath.

"God damn! Someone likes baths now. I better accompany him. I wouldn't want him drowning on me." Ryou said.

"Yea right accompany him. Wink. Wink." Marik said.

"I have eye drops in my room if there's something in your eye." Ryou said walking into the bathroom.

"Nick knack patty whack give a dog a bone." Bakura sang.

Ryou closed the door behind him and turned on some candles. "So…Bakura." Ryou said.

Bakura ignored Ryou and squeaked a rubber duck. "Who said that? Was it you!" Bakura asked the bar of soap. "Or you?" He asked the shampoo bottle. The rubber duck squeaked again. He gasped. "This rubber duck has extraterrestrial powers." Bakura said looking at it in awe.

"It squeaks. How extraterrestrial." Ryou said sarcastically.

Bakura gargled the water.

"Hey Bakura…have you ever…been to a sleepover?" Ryou asked.

"You're gonna wash my car bitch! I said—rubber duck squeaks—What! You're rejecting me now! I said wash my car!" Bakura screamed beating up the duck. "Oh no Ryou I've never been to a sleepover." He said.

"Good new experience. You're sleeping over someone's house. You need to socialize more. You're taking to a duck for Pete's sake." Ryou said.

"Who's Pete! Oooh you're cheating on John huh? Ryou you naughty boy. When will I come in?" Bakura asked.

Ryou groaned.

"Who's house am I sleeping over and…why? I'll only do it…if you're there." Bakura said.

"Sorry I won't and I don't care if you'll have a tantrum because I'm not. I need…a break. You're…a handful. You're staying over—coughs—Marik's house—coughs." Ryou said.

"Oh gee Ryou you're still sick. I'll take care of you." Bakura said.

"No thanks. Now hurry up and bathe…wouldn't wanna miss your ride now would you?" Ryou asked smiling and walking away.

"Ryou's weird…like this duck!" Bakura said biting his head off. "Not much of a talker now are you bitch!" He screamed.

Well…I'm done. I…didn't really think this one was…all that great. I wasn't really focusing (sigh) too much going on in my mind. Hope you like it anyway. R&R.


End file.
